You might be wondering why I created this blog. I guess I feel like Aiden is such a huge part of me and who I am that I need people to know about him if they're going to know me. But how do you bring that up in a conversation? I still can't talk about him without crying, so I don't really bring him up unless asked. I'm still his mama, I still miss him...that never goes away.
Something that separates me from pretty much any other blog about loss is I am not religious. You won't find me praising "Him" or asking to be lifted up or anything of that nature. I was raised Catholic but never took it seriously at all. I felt "spiritual", but reading the bible and praying were never part of my daily life. I felt that I was a good person who did good things and that was good enough for God.
At this point I am not even sure if there IS a God. Most of me says yes, but I really don't see why he would make people suffer like this. Some people think it's so that OTHER people will look to their own lives and appreciate what they have, but that feels really crappy to me. My baby had to die so other people would realize they're lucky to have kids?
So back to my original thought, why I am writing this blog...I am sharing my thoughts in case there's someone else out there going through the same thing who feels like no one is listening, or no one understands. From a non religious point of view. I'm definitely not saying there's anything wrong with believing in that, but I am in a place where I'm very unsure of what I believe at all.
In this blog you will find the words of a person who isn't so sure about what grief and loss is supposed to mean, what it's for, what's it all about... I'm living it every day of my life, I'm making it through each day...but I can't forget that little boy named Aiden who should be here playing with me & his daddy. I guess I'm selfish...I'd much rather have him be here with me. People could find other reasons to be thankful, my baby didn't need to die.