Sunday, February 1, 2009

why i made this blog

You might be wondering why I created this blog. I guess I feel like Aiden is such a huge part of me and who I am that I need people to know about him if they're going to know me. But how do you bring that up in a conversation? I still can't talk about him without crying, so I don't really bring him up unless asked. I'm still his mama, I still miss him...that never goes away.

Something that separates me from pretty much any other blog about loss is I am not religious. You won't find me praising "Him" or asking to be lifted up or anything of that nature. I was raised Catholic but never took it seriously at all. I felt "spiritual", but reading the bible and praying were never part of my daily life. I felt that I was a good person who did good things and that was good enough for God.

At this point I am not even sure if there IS a God. Most of me says yes, but I really don't see why he would make people suffer like this. Some people think it's so that OTHER people will look to their own lives and appreciate what they have, but that feels really crappy to me. My baby had to die so other people would realize they're lucky to have kids?

So back to my original thought, why I am writing this blog...I am sharing my thoughts in case there's someone else out there going through the same thing who feels like no one is listening, or no one understands. From a non religious point of view. I'm definitely not saying there's anything wrong with believing in that, but I am in a place where I'm very unsure of what I believe at all.

In this blog you will find the words of a person who isn't so sure about what grief and loss is supposed to mean, what it's for, what's it all about... I'm living it every day of my life, I'm making it through each day...but I can't forget that little boy named Aiden who should be here playing with me & his daddy. I guess I'm selfish...I'd much rather have him be here with me. People could find other reasons to be thankful, my baby didn't need to die.


  1. I think it is great that you are able and willing to share your story and Aiden's story.

    I can promise you that God doesn't take away peoples children so that others will feel grateful for what they have. We all have a purpose here on this earth. And sometimes that purpose is fulfilled in a few short days.

    But I do know that there is a God. I know that you will be with Aiden again and that you will have a chance to be a family with him again.

    No one will ever know what his purpose was, at least not now, but I am sure that Aiden and God would both want you to be able to share your story, to heal from your loss, and to have faith that there is a God and that you will see Aiden again.

  2. I just came buy to see how you were doing. I hope you start posting here again soon!