Tuesday, February 23, 2010

still on this river

I don't know where I heard this, but I know I didn't make it up myself, but grief is like a river. It changes and gets deeper and shallower (is that a word?) but it's never ending. I guess you could say the ending of the river is when it meets the ocean, but it's not like it really ends...it just becomes part of something bigger. Which is what I believe happens when we die. So I have accepted that I will be on this river until I die.

I think about Aiden every single day. I miss him every single day. When I think about him, I do shed some tears. I still think of my family as missing one child when I look at pictures or we're getting ready for a big occasion. When I have those moments I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling, and then I move on. Sometimes I wonder if it's "okay" for me to still be crying about him when it's four and a half years since we lost him, but really there's nothing I can do to stop myself from missing my son so why bother trying?

Aiden's initials are ARC. Scott and I thought having these initials would give him some sort of good luck when he was in the hospital. Sadly there wasn't any mystical mojo attached to those letters. Now, our kid's initials make up the word ARK. Aiden, Riley & Kira. Not the same word but still kind of a kooky coincidence. I did not plan this at all. Kira has been my "name for a girl if I ever have a girl" since I was six years old. Aiden didn't have a name until he was a couple days old because we had such a hard time coming up with a name for him. It took us a long time to name Riley too.

This post is getting off track. I haven't written in this blog for a year so I figured it was time for an update. I feel like I'm coming to a place where I'm going to not be so sad about losing Aiden. I still would like to know what the purpose is for having it happen to our family, but I'm letting that answer come to me however it has to come.

I do still miss that boy. Having Riley makes me miss him even more, because I wonder how they'd be together...I wonder how Riley would be different from having an older brother...I still wonder what color eyes he has and what his laugh sounds like.

I miss you Aiden!